26.15 Listen deeply and acknowledge criticism, but never indulge victim mentality or scapegoating

Violence can be triggered when we feel violated, disrespected or threatened. This can come New Magna Carta Mediumabout because of poor communication, misunderstanding, misinterpretation, miscalculation and lack of empathy. Violence can often be averted by connecting with another person from a position of strength and security, acknowledging them, empathising and listening deeply so that they feel heard. It is simple but powerful. Listening and acknowledging does not imply agreement with what the other is saying. Listening is not weakness or appeasement. Listening so that the other feels heard is fundamental to security. When we listen, we will hear things that we don’t like, criticism, jealousy, paranoid ideas, prejudice, aggression, self-righteousness and victim mentality. We all have that dark stuff in our minds to a greater or lesser degree. We must discipline ourselves to not react unconsciously to being criticised or hearing another’s anger. Those are their beliefs and their perceptions. It doesn’t mean that they are true or that we have to accept them. It is best not to be triggered into anger, defensiveness and attacks or to engage in a battle of trying to be right, because it is counter-productive and a waste of energy. It is better if we are magnanimous, respectful and loving, but also strong and assertive, with very clear boundaries. Toxic criticisms from other countries and peoples are too often received by a part of us that is self-hating and self-destructive. We are tempted to indulge the other’s self-righteous victim mentality, but that is a very dangerous thing to do.